Chapter 1: Tis was the night before Eid

Amidst a global pandemic, lockdown, quarantine, plus all the other nonsensical and can't-wrap-my-head-around-it things going on in the world, Ramadan is one of those things that graced us with its presence, slowed us down during this time to reflect, forced us to find spirituality in the mundane, and then left us all too soon.

It's been a whole 30 days, and tonight is the night before Eid.

I also started spotting right after Maghrib (yay, no need to do extra makeup fasts past the 5 days I missed earlier in the month!) which means cycle day 1 of full flow should be tomorrow. Eid Day. First day of my period. Fun.

I'm feeling a lot of different things right now. I started @musliminfertility on Instagram a while back to jot down my thoughts and try to maneuver my way through our diagnoses of unexplained infertility. But I've realized that I am not a caption writer. I am a writer that exceeds the keyboard on my phone. I need to tell a story - my story. Moreso, I find the need to document what I am going through. And hey, if it should help someone else in the process to find some kind of peace or just know that they aren't the only ones feeling like they are alone in this craziness, then welcome aboard (although I wish you never had to know this pain).

Back to what I've been feeling though...

My husband and I started seeing a Reproductive Endocrinologist (aka our fertility specialist) back in October 2019. We did the preliminary checkups, lab works, ultrasounds, HSG, you name it. Everything was fine, save for my low Vitamin D levels but apparently everyone has low Vitamin D. The doc talked us through some stuff and wrote me some prenatals. I told her we would return soon to go over what to do. She gave us a general overview of what we could expect since we haven't successfully been able to conceive in 2.5 years at this point. We went home and talked about it. It seemed logical to wait until June to start any treatment; I'm a teacher and would be done with the school year then and appointments would just be easier without worrying about scheduling conflicts.

God had other plans. COVID happened. School switched entirely to distance learning. More and more we felt like we were wasting time. We had not been able to conceive naturally for this long, so why were we still waiting until June? But then going for appointments started to scare me, and I ended up being in the house for 63 days before I even left to go do groceries. It was like stepping into an alternate universe that Saturday that I made my Aldi run.

Something in me clicked that weekend though. I had been so scared of going out, but life was still moving along. Yes, things were unknown and changing fast, but this was not out of the norm. Things were always happening that we didn't know about, so why were we letting this affect us so much. I just didn't see the point in stopping TTC when we had been trying for so long. However, Ramadan was just about to begin in a few days. I contacted my clinic and the nurse said I would be set to start my first #IUI cycle on the start of my next period. I got my period on day 2 of Ramadan. Just knowing the meds and everything involved with IUI, we decided we would go for our first IUI cycle right after Ramadan. We spent all day and all night of each day praying for it to happen naturally.

And then on the last day of Ramadan, tonight after maghrib, I started spotting. I'm upset that it didn't just happen naturally after how much I prayed for it this month. I'm glad that we have a plan on how to move forward. I'm nervous and scared about all the medications and how my body will react to them. I'm uncertain about the future and what it holds. I'm anxious because what if this doesn't work. I'm hopeful because we are finally trying the medicated route and maybe my body just needs the boost. I'm antsy and can't sleep because I know tomorrow will be the first day of full flow and I need to schedule my upcoming appointments with my clinic but they're closed on Sunday. I'm jittery because I had coffee after maghrib for the first time all month. I'm happy because it's Eid and I finally get to see family tomorrow. I'm torn because I will see all my cousins and inlaws and their babies and I will want to cry, may even cry in the bathroom, because I want nothing more than to have one of my own.

I am so many things, and I cannot sleep, and tomorrow is cycle day 1 and this is the start of our #fertilityjourney.

Please keep us in your prayers, and send along the baby dust! We need everything that we can get.

Bismillah.