Chapter 29: Here Comes The Sun

The week after 9/30 was blissful.

My younger brother was getting married in a beautiful outdoor, socially-distanced ceremony on 10/17. I had planned on going to stay at my parents' place from 10/10 so that I could be there the week before the wedding in order to get all the last minute things done. But for the first ten days of October, I stayed put at home.

I was so much more aware of what I was doing. It was as if I was back in my two week wait all over again. I was watching what I ate, making sure not to do any heavy lifting, and of course, keeping up with my progesterone and estrace. The meds were not fun but my doctor had said to continue them until she told me to stop, so that's what I did.

I realized even when I was living through it, that I was not able to keep the anxious thoughts at bay. I would get happy but would warn myself to keep it together. I would tell myself that it was still so early, anything could happen. But I was also over the moon. I would tell myself not to dream of a baby nursery but then would ask my husband if we could sell the guest room furniture to get a crib. I would tell myself that I didn't want to know the gender but then I'd dream that we would have a girl. It was a whirlwind of emotions.

I don't think there has ever been a time in my life where I have had so many conflicting thoughts going through my head. Had I forgotten how to live in the present and just be happy?

The night of October 7th, I had a scary night. For those of you that follow me on IG and have seen my stories, you may remember what happened.

I had started seeing red tinged discharge around sunset and began panicking. I spent the next few hours of the evening hiding from my husband. I knew that if he asked me what was wrong, I would not be able to hold it in or hide it from him.

Around 10:30 PM, when I went to use the restroom before doing my Endometrin suppository, I saw spotting.

Unsure about what to do, I went ahead and took the suppository. The applicator came back with much more red tinged discharge than I was prepared to see. As I swallowed a handful of the vitamins and my Estradiol, I wondered what the point even was of keeping the meds going.

Seeing the applicator drove me over the edge and I doubled over, holding the edge of my dresser, sobbing because I was so afraid that I was going to miscarry. All I remember is my husband pulling me to the edge of the bed, telling me over and over again that it would be okay while I sat there, unable to calm my messy, wracking sobs. Over and over, I let out a distressed cry, looking at my husband and grasping at him, saying "I don't know what to do! Tell me what to do! Please tell me what to do! What did I do? What did I do?"

I could barely sleep all night. I drank water just to try and use the restroom. I emailed my nurse, hoping by some miracle that she would respond in the wee hours of the night. Eventually, I dozed off, still stricken with grief. I was sure that I had ruined everything.

One of the nurses responded to my messages at 6:45 AM. She said it was normal to see pink, red, or brown discharge and spotting was normal, as long as it wasn't a period-like flow.

The relief that I felt after reading her message is indescribable. I woke my husband and told him, and he held me, as we tried to let the fear wash away. He asked me to still get an appointment scheduled so they could check me out, and I was able to go in the next day. When my doctor checked me out, she said that everything looked great and was going as should be expected. That was what I needed. I was glad I had made that appointment.

. . . .

Taking my suppositories after that night became almost traumatic. I didn't want to even try taking them. I didn't want to take the risk. But I knew not taking them would be even worse. That could actually screw things up. So for the next five days, I continued taking my medicine and suppositories as instructed.

I spent the next few days preparing my bags and things to be at my parents' house for the next week or so. Packing while doing IVF is not fun. Making sure to not forget meds and liners and pads and heating pads and God knows what else, is a huge pain in my privileged butt. I understand that I am extremely privileged to even get the chance to do IVF. That has never gone unnoticed by me.

When I got to my Mom's on the 10th of October, I was showered with love and care. Everyone wanted me to take it easy. No one besides my husband and myself knew about what had happened a few nights ago. I only ended up telling my younger brother and later, my cousin. But up until then, everyone was clueless. My husband didn't want me driving around much. He wanted me to take it easy as much as possible. So my cousins took it upon themselves to drive me wherever I needed to go. One of them even offered to drive me to my next appointment, which would be an hour drive back home and really early in the morning on the 13th. I graciously declined her offer, telling her that she'd only have to sit in the car the entire time. I am forever grateful for her love and grace in my life. It is unparalleled. Alhumdulillah.

I spent those few days before my next appointment with my family. We got together and made wedding favors, goodie bags for the children at the wedding, and packed up the dress and gifts for the bride to drop off on the 11th. The house finally felt like it was a shaadi ka ghar, or a home where a wedding was taking place. Even today, two months later, I relish that feeling and wishing I had it again.

. . . .

Looking back, I can't help but be so very grateful for my family. They have been my anchor through all of this. May Allah SWT bless each of them with the highest of levels of Jannah, remove any thorns from their paths, and make their lives easy and painless. Ameen.