Chapter 28: Transfer Results

I have been hesitant to type out this post. I've delayed it a few days now. I could just type out my posts in one go and schedule them so that I stick to a set delivery pattern. However, I want each piece of writing to feel fresh, to feel raw. Today hasn't been a great day. I got an email in my inbox this morning that jarred me for awhile. I spent the late afternoon and early evening in bed, bundled up like a burrito. As I sit down now, at almost 9 PM, my heart is in my throat and there's a pit in my stomach. I've never actually felt this compelled to tell my story and be equally terrified of doing so.

. . . .

Wednesday, September 23rd, I had a very restless night. It took me an extremely long time to fall asleep and I was constantly in and out of consciousness. I finally drifted off around 2 AM after needing to pee for the umpteenth time, hoping that I would sleep soundly, and not awake before my Fajr alarm. I am not one to generally remember my dreams. I usually scramble to wake myself out of them if I have one that particularly sticks to me, and then I rush to write them down somewhere just so I can read them when I'm fully awake again. This dream though, needed no record. It's one I will never forget. It's the first time I've ever dreamt something so clearly.

I was laying in a bed, with commotion all around me. I had absolutely no idea what was going on. I was not in any pain. But I saw bright lights overhead and people's facing just wading in and out of my line of sight, almost like a movie. I tried to look around, to find someone I could call out to, but everyone seemed so far away. No one seemed to be able to hear me. And then as if the world came to a standstill, everyone halted. From behind the sea of heads pushed forward a woman with a tiny little bundle wrapped up between her arms. She cradled the bundle so gently. She came towards me and whispered, "It's a girl," as she handed the little bundle into my arms. I lay there numb and confused, startled but scared, afraid of it being a cruel joke but so excited that this was real. As soon as I felt the soft swaddle hit my fingers, I jerked awake.

I couldn't catch my breath. I grasped at my bedsheets, wildly looking around my room and towards my sleeping husband, trying to figure out what was going on. I clutched at my abdomen, praying, praying, praying. I prayed so hard to God that this was the dream that would come true. Hoping that this was some kind of premonition. As my breathing evened out, and I realized it was all a dream, I drifted back into a restless sleep. Restless now, because I wanted to go right back to it. To be able to see and feel everything I had just experience. Even if it was only in a dream.

Around 5 AM, I awoke again, needing to empty my bladder. I'm never one to wake during the night to use the restroom. It's always the last thing I do before bed and the first thing I do after I'm up. So needing to go twice in one night had my mind racing. Symptom spotting - can't escape it. I had promised myself that I wasn't going to do this. I wasn't going to test at home. I should have made my husband hide my two boxes of 50 test strips. Only reason he didn't do it on his own is because I had promised him I wouldn't do it. But at 5 AM, with him snoring away, and after the dream and waking up twice, something in me kept pushing to just do it. It'll only take a few minutes, just do it and go back to sleep. I grabbed a cup from the medicine cabinet, and did my thing. I stuck a strip in the cup for 10 seconds and then waited the 4 minutes. I could have checked before the four minutes, but I didn't want to get my hopes up, or be crushed. It's such a mind game.

Four minutes later, when my phone timer went off, I peeked over at the strip and just watched it. I think I expected it to jump out at me and give me a clear answer. I looked at it in confusion as it lay there on my bathroom counter. The only person that would be awake for a fact at this hour would be my friend in the U.K., so I quickly snapped a picture of the test trip as she was messaging me about something else, and could visibly feel her freeze, even from across the Atlantic. She responded within seconds. She told me to test again. "Let's make sure it's real." I dipped another one. Waited ten seconds. Waited the four minutes. This time, I watched the second pink link appear on the strip. My legs were shaking, my hands were clammy, I was sobbing, and my phone clamored as it slipped from my fingers and on to the sink. I grabbed it then, willing my husband to stay asleep. I quickly took another photo and sent it to her. We both agreed that the line was definitely there. There was a second pink line. There was a second pink line. My eyes were not deceiving me. I was not having line eyes. There was definitely a second pink line.

Seeing as I had promised my husband that I would not test, and I still four full days before I was scheduled to go in for my beta, I stashed the test strip in the guest bathroom cabinet to keep it safe. I sat on this HUGE news all day long. I tried to remain as normal as possible. I wrangled with myself trying to figure out whether I should just tell him that I tested early. Or should I wait it out until the beta on Monday. I decided that I would wait until Friday and then see from there.

When I awoke Friday morning, I quickly did another test. And another. And another. The lines were so much darker than the strips from the day before. I labeled each of them with the DPO and the date/time they were taken. Just like earlier, I stashed them away in the guest bathroom cabinet. I have a short workday on Fridays, and there was only one thing on my mind. As I was giving my students their Spelling test for the week, my phone began to vibrate. I looked over to take note of who was calling in order to call back after I was done, only to see that it was a call from the clinic. Confused, I picked up the phone to see what was going on. My nurse was on the line. They had told me not to expect any phone calls until my beta, so I was puzzled as to why I was getting a call three days beforehand. I gave my students their next word and told them to hold on for a minute, muted my Google Meet session, and answered. Turns out, they had been expecting me to come in for my beta that day. When I told her that I had scheduled it for Monday, 9/28, she said, "Oh! Well, I guess that's all right. We'll see you then." I tried to see if there was anyway I could come in later that afternoon or even over the weekend but she insisted that they only did betas in the morning hours and on the weekdays. So another few days of waiting it would be.

Once I hung up though to continue with the Spelling test, it hit me. If I was supposed to get my beta results today, then that would mean that the test strips were not too early. I had scheduled my beta for 14 DP6DT but they had wanted me to come in 11DP6DT. If my home tests were coming out to be positive, and the lines were only getting darker, then any trigger shot should be out of my system, and the results should be accurate. I did another test later that afternoon once my husband left to go for Jumuah. Another positive. I scrambled, trying to figure out what to do. I attached all of the test strips to a blank sheet of paper with tape, labeled each one in progressing order with their time and date, and then folded the paper up and put it in an envelope addressed to my husband with out house address on it. I tried my best to make it not seem like my handwriting. I could have printed a label but was too frantic to get it all done before he got home from prayer. I walked across to the other side of the street where all our mailboxes are, and stuck the envelope in there, hoping that the mailman wouldn't accidentally take it out when he delivered our mail for the day.

When my husband got done with work for the day at 4 PM, I asked him if he could go check the mail because "I was expecting a package." I get a box of coffee beans in the mail every 6 weeks so it was a believable enough story to tell. I had recorded myself earlier when I stuffed the envelope and put it in the mail, and I continued recording as he walked to the mailbox and back. When he got in and put the mail on the kitchen counter, I continued the recording, making it seem like I was just watching something on my phone and talking to him at the same time. The closer he got to the envelope I had addressed to him, the more my heart thumped. It was so loud, I was sure that he'd be able to hear it. When he got to it, he looked at it confused. There was no stamp or return address on there (I know, I could have made it more believable but I was scrambling!) so he was confused about who had sent it. With every little tear of the envelope, my heart sped up and my hands shook even more. I'm still surprised that my recording didn't come out as a shaky mess. He pulled out the folded up piece of paper and opened it up, peering inside with curiosity. He had to skim through it a few times, and then looked up at me with a scared smile, "What is this?"

"What do you think it is?"

"What does this mean?

I laughed, "You tell me, what does it mean?"

His smile grew so wide. "Ohh, that's why you wanted me to check the mail!" "...Did it happen?"

Forcing myself not to cry, I just nodded my head with a grin plastered on my face.

"Holy shit. Really?" All I could do was manage to chuckle and nod. "Oh my God. Alhumdulillah."

Alhumdulillah. Alhumdulillah. Alhumdulillah. My heart still races when I think back to that moment. I am so glad he got to experience some sort of surprise through all of this.

Later that night when we sat down for dinner, I told him what had been going on since Wednesday night, why I decided to test early, and why I decided to tell him early as well. We both agreed that since the beta should have been that day, then the tests were definitely correct. I still had that pessimistic voice in the back of my head telling me that it could be false. But for this one time, I wanted to listen to the voice that brought me joy.

At breakfast the next morning, we decided we'd tell our families. My mother and father in-law were going to visit my parents that day anyway since they hadn't seen my Mom since her surgery. It would be ideal, telling both sets of parents together. I knew my younger brother would be home but coincidentally, my older brother and sister-in-law happened to stop by to see my Mom as well. We got to tell everyone together. Both mothers were in tears as sobbing after we told them. So many happy tears. My heart had never been more full. We spent the evening driving to my husband's brother's house to tell him and his wife, and then a little further down south to tell the rest of his siblings who were all together. We made sure to tell everyone that the beta still needed to be done, but we wanted to celebrate the good news, even if it bits at a time.

The rest of that weekend passed by for us in a blur. We were blissfully happy and Monday beta was a piece of cake. I'm sure the medical assistant knew I had tested at home with my sigh of contentment as I sat in that chair, waiting for her to draw my blood. Who else would sigh in contentment as they're getting a needle stuck in their arm again for the zillionth time? My nurse called me later that afternoon with my results. Beta was 389. I felt I released a breath that I hadn't realized I had been holding. We celebrated with each other that night. I went for a second beta two days later, on 9/30. Our numbers had doubled to 928.

I don't remember a time in my life when I have every been happier or more fulfilled. I have never wanted anything more in life than being a mother. This time when I rested our palms on our abdomen, I begged God to keep my baby safe.