Chapter 22: I really hate the decision making process

It has officially been just over a week since we got news of our second IUI failing.

We've done a lot of thinking over the past seven days. We've talked it over to death, but it still doesn't seem like enough.

See, the thing with infertility is that it's always there. I had one failed IUI, and then I waited a few days for my period to begin. In that waiting limbo, we had to decide what to do next. Did we want to continue with our second IUI right away, without a break in cycles? Did we want to take a break, even though we had technically only just started treatments? Did we think it over enough? Did we discuss all our options?

Time is ticking...

We went forward with the second IUI, as you all know. Originally, we had decided that we wanted to do 3-4 IUIs before we looked at any further invasive options. But then when the second IUI failed and we spoke to our R.E. and our financial coordinator, it didn't really seem to make sense for us to move forward with a third IUI. While we had started talking about IVF, there was still that clock, damn ticking clock.

Even when my period started last week Thursday evening, 30 minutes before our Arafah fast was supposed to open (hate when I get my period so close to iftar time!), I was still going back and forth. Again, we had originally decided to take a break before transitioning from IUI to IVF. Except there's never just one moving piece going on, is there...

My mom is having spinal surgery in a couple weeks. I told her I'd be there with her to help with what she needs as her mobility will be very low and she'll need all the help she can get once she's back home.

My younger brother recently got engaged and we're planning for the wedding to be in October. Of course, I'd like to be 100% in tune and involved with that so I'm adamant about not being on any hormone meds then.

That left us with September or after October. I know November and December aren't that far off from August. But the closer we get to the end of the year, the closer we get to our 4th wedding anniversary (NYE!), the closer we get to another year married without our sweet babe in our arms. I know he feels it too, even though he doesn't say it. I can see it in his eyes. So I sucked it up and told the nurse (we got a new one assigned to us, and it makes me sad bc hello, change sucks but I'm sure she'll be great) that we'd like to have the retrieval and transfer in September. Since my doctor put us on the long protocol, my birth control started on Sunday. So basically, everything that we had originally planned sort of backfired. No break between IUI and IVF and only two IUIs before deciding to move to IVF.

We spent much of Eid day going back and forth on whether I should call the clinic to let them know that I was CD1 and needed my birth control prescription sent to the pharmacy. Amidst family coming over for breakfast, Eid greetings, hugs and forced smiles, conversation that I could barely hold, all I was thinking about was if I was ready to go on with this. The clinic closes at 4:30 PM and eventually at 2:45 I was able to get through to someone at reception and get transferred to my nurse so that she could call in my meds before close of business day. Even after hanging up with her, I was still unsure.

There is so much unknown. So many questions. I haven't had my usual crumbling, earth shattering breakdown that I do once I get my period. You know, that blood curling, painful cry that echoes through the room late at night as you feel those cramps twist inside of you as you curse them away because you so so wish that they were contractions or labor pains or pregnancy aches instead. But instead, they're the absolute opposite and it feels as if your heart has been taken in someone's fist and crushed till it no longer beats. I've been through those night more times than I can count. But I just haven't had one of those since the second failed treatment cycle. I know it will come soon. My recently busy schedule has probably just kept me away from that pain and shielded my heart.

Although I've begun down regulation, I feel numb. It all seems very clinical right now. Schedules, and medication orders, and instructions, and appointments. My husband asked me tonight if I'm excited. I'm nowhere near excited right now. I'm terrified. I don't want to do this alone. He's here with me, I know. But I want the comfort of home, of my mother's lap, of my brother's idiotic jokes, of my cousins making me laugh over the dumbest jokes. I want to be surrounded by love during this time of such scary uncertainty. Instead, my mom will be undergoing surgery and I will have to be strong for her, help take care of her. My brother will be getting things ready for his wedding, and since Mom will be going through recovery and rehab, I'll need to be strong to help him figure those things out. I'll have to make sure my Dad is fed and eating. All that even though I just want to curl up and cry right now. I'm overwhelmed but I am very much so trying to take it one minute at a time.

Through all my debbie downer thoughts though, I am hopeful of our odds. Alhumdulillah, we have zero issues. His SA looks great and his numbers were great for each IUI. My ovaries look good and were able to grow good follicles both times. I am hopeful that my body will not let me down. Most of the time, I can't help but think that it already has. Then I remind myself that just like anything else, this is a medical diagnosis. There was nothing that I could do then or now to "fix" it. I will most likely never be able to conceive naturally.

As we were signing away the IVF consent forms tonight, we came across questions that we had to choose yes or no for that we had not even discussed yet. My dear husband always says, "It's your body, so I'll go with any decision that you think is the best to make." But what about in the case of death? What about if we both were old and gray but we still had frozen embryos? What would we do? What decisions would we make? Did we have to decide right now? Isn't this the type of stuff that we should worry about when it's upon us?

We had tough conversations tonight. I wish they weren't necessary, but we had to do them while we were still alert and oriented, putting our feeling aside as best as we could. He did say one thing that immediately made me go on defense. He misunderstood a question, and said, "If it comes down to you or the kid, I'm saving you." I had to force myself to shake my head fiercely and tell him no. No, you can't. We have fought for this kid. We have done everything to have this kid. You will not put the child before me. He always says that it was meeting me and marrying me that made him whole again. I believe him without a doubt. There's no question about it. But he thinks that if it comes down to a situation where a life would need to be saved, he would still choose me. I really wish he wouldn't. All he wants is to become a Dad. If it's the last gift I can give him, it will be that. He kept telling me that it wasn't up for discussion. But I know that if it comes down it, a scenario as such, he will be the best dad and raise the greatest kid as a single parent. May Allah SWT save us from ever having to go through a day where we are not together and with our children. But if it is written for us to have to face that pain, I pray that he lets me go and raises that miracle child.

And now I'm finally crying all those tears that I've been holding in for the past week haha. Each and every person really is such a miracle. It truly blows my mind. Do you understand all the hundreds of tiny things that need to come together in order for an egg and sperm to join, fertilize, implant, and make it to viable pregnancy? And then grow, be delivered, grow through the rest of time, and become a full human that has his/her own enormous life after that? It's miraculous. I am praying, praying, praying for our little miracle. We may have never lost a child, or have ever even seen two lines on a test, but any child that comes to fill our arms will always be a miracle for us.

There were so many little negative things that I was surrounded with over the past week, but I don't want to focus on them. I want to believe that my body is capable of growing a child, and bringing a tiny human into this world. We have so much love to give our child(ren). Now we just want to know that we'll be able to hold them and raise them.