Chapter 21: Back to the drawing board

The title says it allllll.

I expected it when I started testing at home 10DPIUI and then again today after I got home from the blood draw. For someone who has never seen a second line appear on any HCG test strip, even a VERY faint line would make my day, no questions asked. But alas, my strips are always stark white, not even a shadow of an evap line. Who knew you could spend so much time sitting on the toilet, holding that dinky test strip in your hand, just wishing for an echo of a line to magically appear.

I was visiting my family since Wednesday. I had tested right before I left my place and didn't take any strips with me because I didn't want that voice in the back of my head telling me that I could go and test whenever I wanted. Thankfully, it was an eventful and busy few days. My younger brother got engaged and we had family coming in and out to visit and give their well wishes. It was a great weekend. Seeing everyone after so long was nice.

It would have been nicer if I had cotton stuffed in my ears every time an aunt or a cousin congratulated yet another cousin or cousin in-law on expecting and rambled off all the usual questions. It's not like the questions about due dates, genders, or overall health were aimed at me. But they still ticked me off and got on my nerves. I've realized that hearing how well others' pregnancies are going and how it was a "surprise" for them is my trigger. It puts me on edge and makes me grind my teeth. I veer far away from those preggos who love to ask, "Oh, when's it going to be your turn??" Wouldn't you like to know. I sure would.

I had to constantly walk in to a different room or make myself busy or cool down my seething whenever any of the above would happen. Thankfully alhumdulillah, I had a lot to do to keep my mind and my fingers occupied. But as we all know, no matter how much we try to avoid thinking about, we're still thinking about it. Our life has become a big bubble of infertility and everyone/everything else is small in comparison. I feel like such a jerk for even penning all this down. But it's the honest truth, and it hurts. It hurts me probably more than it would hurt the people I've thought it towards. I manifest my pain and internalize it. I really need to learn how to get over it. If only.

ANYWAY

I took a nap, as usual, after coming home from my appointment this morning. It was a restless sleep. The nurse didn't call me until 2:30 or so. That's when I knew that it would be negative. She would have called me sooner and with more enthusiasm if it was meant to be good news. She told me the usual spiel: call when I get my period, schedule out the next appointments, etc. I stopped her there and told her we wanted another visit with our doctor before we proceeded. We haven't spoken to her/seen her since October and I'd really wish she was more present. My nurse has been amazing though so at least that's been consistent.

We're going to be doing a telehealth visit with her on Wednesday at 7:30 AM. I'm going to get all my questions and concerns out of the way. See what our odds are if we continue, and what IVF coverage may be should we need to go that route. I'm scared and not very hopeful right now. More anxious than anything, actually. Let's see how Wednesday goes. Then we'll decide.