Chapter 2: Eid Recap and Next Steps...

We celebrated Eid yesterday! I woke up at 6 AM, super excited and ready to get on with our day. Since I knew we weren't going to be home all day (but I still wanted it to feel like Eid at home too), I had gone a smidge overboard for our last iftar. My brother surprised us and came just in time for iftar which was really nice because I was already really sad since my parents had celebrated Eid on Saturday. So we got to spend our last iftar and the start of our Eid with him for the evening.

I love listening to and reciting with the takbeerat on Eid mornings, so I played it right away as soon as I woke up. I ironed, took my time getting ready, and then we drove to go see my inlaws. The men did their at home quarantine edition Eid salah, and then we all had breakfast together. It was a nice quiet Eid, like I had been hoping for.

Except very rarely do things go as we plan. Y'all remember that I started spotting Saturday night. I didn't want my period to get in the way of me celebrating Eid though. I was making it a point not to be upset and really just savour the day. I was trying so hard to do it too. But then sitting around with everyone at the table as we're eating breakfast. the conversation steers to the usual: kids, babies, pregnancies, whose who is expecting, what kind of gender reveal did they do, baby showers... you get the gist. Then comes along the comments regarding an older aunt and uncle who just discovered they were expecting and shared their news with the family. More conversation surrounding planned pregnancies versus unplanned pregnancies. I wanted the ground to open up and eat me whole just so I could disappear. As much of a good day that I had been having up until that point, it was starting to deteriorate quickly. My husband's brother goes on to say, "None of that is in our control. Allah gives to who He chooses to."

I don't know why that hit me so hard, but I felt like I was kicked in the gut. Actually, scratch that. I know exactly why I had the wind knocked out of me. I internalized his comment and took it negatively. Here I was thinking that yes, it's not in our control. And yes, I know God does give to who He chooses. But does that mean, I'm just not chosen?

I sat through the remainder of breakfast and even some time after that. But everyone was there with their babies, and everyone's arms were full of children masha'Allah and I was dying inside. I had willed myself not to cry today. When it was becoming too much for me, I went to the guest room and just sat there and wallowed. I texted a good friend and she helped to bring me back and remind me that we had a plan, that all will work out how it's meant to insha'Allah. I was feeling a little better until my husband came in the room and said all the right things, but all the wrong things, all at the same time. He consoled me and told me not to worry, reminded me that we will be going to see our doctor soon, and held me, saying that our time will come. That's when I let the tears flow. He joked and said that I would ruin my makeup but I cried for a few minutes until I could pull myself together. I knew that it just not would be enough for me to go downstairs and pretend that I was okay. It had been almost half the day that we had been there and I was emotionally spent already. I asked to leave early and go see my parents (kids here, no kids there), and thankfully, seeing me in distress and pain, he agreed and we got ready to leave. Of course, our leave didn't come without comments about why we had to leave but I just was not having it, and said we were ready to go.

You know what happens when you've been shaking a bottle of soda, and then let it settle some, shake it some, let it settle? Eventually, when you open it, it spits fire and shoots out. I had been bubbling inside all day, and it took just one wrong move from my Mom for me to burst. I shouted, I got angry, I got upset, I told her to leave me alone and leave me be, I pushed her away. She took the brunt of my anger and frustration from the entire morning and got upset over it (she had every right to because it was wholly displaced anger and frustration), and just walked away. She let me simmer for an hour or so until I calmed down which was helpful. But I'm glad I managed to get it out of my system.

I was just so pent up with negative energy and emotion all day yesterday and I was so torn over because it was Eid and I did not want to be feeling this way. Honestly, none of my finest moments occurred yesterday and I was not a great human. But we did end the night on a decent note, and I felt much better when I was back home to my own bed.

After getting my makeup off, switching to pajamas, and crawling under my blanket, I sent a quick message to my fertility clinic to let them know that I was cycle day 1. I needed to schedule out my appointment for ultrasound and bloodwork for cycle day 3. I hit send, tucked my phone away, and drifted off to sleep.

. . . .

I slept really well, thankfully. When I awoke, the first thing I did was check my messages to see if my nurse had responded. It was Memorial Day so I wasn't expecting a response, but was hopeful. No response, though. I was able to get in contact with the holiday nurse line, and she scheduled me in for my cycle day 3 ultrasound and bloodwork appointment for tomorrow, at 7 AM. I'm nervous. I've had this ultrasound and bloodwork done before but this time, the plan is to move forward with the IUI this cycle, so yes, I am nervous, anxious, scared, and trying so hard to be hopeful (although I'm extremely worried).

Tonight, the plan is to shower because a warm shower always helps me to sleep better, get to bed early, and wake at 6 AM so that we are on time to our appointment. I'm still not sure if they will let my husband come in with me since we are still under lockdown, but I asked him to come with me anyway. He has to go to work right after so I feel a little bad that he's going to drive me back and forth, but I just know I don't want to be alone for that. Hopefully they let him inside with me.

It's been challenging trying to decide if going forward with any kind of treatment during this lockdown is a good idea. But we have been TTC for years now and if this is the time that God has willed for us to go for our first treatment cycle, then I am leaving it in His hands. I am trying not to stress, but I have realized that I don't really know how to not do that. So any tips or tricks on that will be great, because I have tried everything in the book.

Pray for me, send all the baby dust, and just hoping for good news. Fingers crossed.