Chapter 15: Tired

I haven't felt like writing or doing much of anything actually for the past few days.

What I felt were symptoms are slowly starting to feel more and more like PMS symptoms instead.

I've gone and done exactly what I have avoided doing for the past two years now, and that's to test before a late period.

I've tested four times already. I'm 13 DPIUI today. I should have been able to see a positive by now. It could still show up later, I know. But when so many others are able to see their positives at 9 and 10 DPO, where is mine?

I didn't stress. I took it easy. I didn't travel much. I did everything I was supposed to.

Yet still, every test so far has been negative.

I know I should wait until Monday when I get the call with the results from my blood work. I wanted to be prepared, though. I didn't want to be caught off guard over the phone.

I wanted to see a second line to give a Father's Day gift to my husband.

I wanted some part of this to finally feel magical, and easy, and full of hope.

I shouldn't have tested, but I did. I've been wallowing since yesterday.

I am full of rage but also defeated. I am hurting but also nonchalant. I am worn down but also ready to fight. More than anything, I am tired.

The phantom symptoms are what get to me the most. The doctors tell you to spend your tww as if you are already expecting. I think that's the worst advice to give, honestly. For those of that spend our two weeks that way, trying our best to be our best, it's exhausting when the tests just come back negative. Even give me a shadow of a line, just the tiniest bit of hope. Nope. The stark white just stares back from the bathroom counter.

My husband has been trying to remain positive, although I know it's affecting him too. He would rather I not test at home so that I'm not devastated before I need to be. I'm not sure I agree, so here we are.

Next update will probably be on Tuesday, after I've gotten the results. I know I won't be in any mental space to pen anything down, as even this is hard enough to do.

I'm running low on the positivity so if you have some to spare, please send it in abundance our way. We could use it all right now.